and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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