I forgot how hot balto sounded
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
