Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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