my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so let's talk penis.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
