i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
