I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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