It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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