nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
