the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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