I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
