Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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