I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
