Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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