we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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