the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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