In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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