I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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