she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
