AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
