complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
