My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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