if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
