I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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