Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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