Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
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Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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