hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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