Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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