Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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