I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
