you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
