you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
