I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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