No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.