$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
