GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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