You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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