And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize