why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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