They should really pass out barf bags in church
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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