:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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