Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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