I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
