I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
