this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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