I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
