i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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