I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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