toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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