I was born with a shot glass in my hand
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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