Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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