there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
