if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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