i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
