dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
