Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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