someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
